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by The Grammar Club

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finbeard thumbnail
finbeard this album is a timeless classic. i STILL wind up humming the songs to myself several times a week, sometimes progressing to full-blown singing "ghost brontosauruses sung out in choruses" while brushing my teeth. Bremelanotide is wall-to-wall bangers. not a single slouch or slump on the whole record. buy this album, you deserve it. Favorite track: Alternate Ending.
Jay-Radd thumbnail
Jay-Radd I have a hypothesis that The Grammar Club, like so many other music groups, was founded on the single all-consuming obsession with carnal relations and how to consummate them. This fun, albeit dated, release proves my point quite nicely. Favorite track: My Gay Shirt.
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Put your hands in the air when I tell you to put them up./ Better them hands in the air when I tell you to put them up./ You put your hands in the air when I tell you to put them up./ You put your..../ In the..../ When I..../ You put the..../ Uh. /Running in the deep snow and/ you gotta keep/ going./ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh/ [uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh]/ [uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh]/ Get that balloon growing. Hi, how are ya doin? I am Beefy. I'm a lunatic/ I'll make depression and sadness disappear like it's a magic trick and/ Hey baby, do ya wanna go with me?/ On this balloon flight, we'll see all ya wanna see/ And I foresee an event, it's you and me gettin bent/ And conning ivy league chumps into paying our rent/ So yeah, it's me and you, you and me, we is us/ Spend a month on the bus just for you, you can trust/ And I'm feeling happy from this higher elevation/ See me lampin' posted right here at this emulation station/ Gathering respect knucks, askin' yall what's the happy-haps? I see ya stressing, pulling hairs out, but baby just please relax/ And I drive real slow, I look real mean/ [And I drive real slow; I look real mean.]/ Me and Cynthia, the nerd transport machine/ [Me and Cynthia: the nerd transport machine.]/ And I got Playstation so we all stay fly/ [And I got PlayStation, so we all stay fly.]/ And play my song when you are strippin' at the club tonight They call it courage, wisdom, power/ I've been sour all this hour/ Cause I gotta tell my friends to say what's up/ And nothing makes ya feel more worthless/ Emo, and lifeless yo/ Catch me doing mic checks/ Asking, "Do ya like this?"/ Well let me see ya crouch, crouch forward, walk a little, then punch/ Serving all these kids hadokens for lunch/ And I mean like three square meals daily/ Ya hanging from the railing/ It's sad to see ya dangling, failing/ Balloons in the air, it puts a smile on my face/ You're like a lady in my bedroom, you're so easy to replace/ I got these notches on my belt and on my night stand/ Tina, Tracy, and Joanne, I loved em in a minivan/ Lauri was a sports fan, and Sumi grew up in Japan/ These mothers tell their daughters that Beefy is such a nice man/ I'm blowing up monotony with a sledgehammer and a wink/ Yo take me away from this place like the pink mutant known as Blink
Bank Holiday 03:22
Yea-eah!/ I got bank holiday./ I got reason to live./ I got nothing to lose./ I had nothing to give./ I got money to burn./ I got money to burn./ I got merry-go-round./ It goes all over town./ It goes up. It goes pop until somebody drowns./ I got run-over clown./ I shoot him with my pistol, cause it will prevent him from killing me first. With just one day/ I can get away/ Give me just a little time/ All I need's a little time/ Give me just a little time/ All I need's a little time/ [Yeah!] I like the way. I like the way./ I'm not living life/ anymore./ I lived out of a truck/ for well over a year,/ to advance my professional wrestling career./ My name was Alex McSlam./ I had a move where I grabbed my opponent and twisted his kiwis off./ But that didn't last./ Faded with the past./ when they turned me heel,/ I lost fan appeal. YO!/ My name is Beefy McSmash/ I'm known for whippin' some ass/ And this is my professional career path so/ Why don't ya step right on up/ I see ya walkin' the sides/ Bout to drop an elbow on your head and make your family cry/ This is a bank holiday/ No need for work we need play/ I'm tired of busting my ass like I'm a modern day slave/ And I got nickels to my name but nothing greater/ You'll see me struggle, hustle till the day I meet my maker/ Come on! So when you break it down all I'm talking about/ Is just running the mouth/ And needing a break, a bank holiday/ Another 24 to get the job done right/ Give me some sunlight/ Unlike games we play, we get one life/ No continue screens/ No popping quarters into big machines/ One day you go/ When there is no/ Credits/ And I'm gonna make the most of this/ [I'm not living life]/ I've got to get it all together and focus/ And a bank holiday's what I need to succeed so please/ Give me just a little time/ [I'm not living life]/ All I need's a little time/ Give me just a little time/ You can get yours and I'm gonna get mine I'm not living life
Girl Trouble 04:00
And the punchline's like this./ And this punchline's like this./ And I mean it./ Girl trouble. The very second girls enter a life/ I believed all the hype and felt all the strife of/ Just another little boy with a heart/ Falling for all the tarts who are beautiful and smart /But now my eyes are open, I think I've sobered up /So now I'm feeling righteous, virtuous, we've gotta start/ I've finally reached acceptance, the 5 stages of bitches/ Misogynistic like a leaned back cholo flipping switches/ No lie she's the devil dude/ A sexy beast no doubt with an attitude/ You both want the same thing but sadly she just doesn't want it nearly as bad as you/ No need to believe in me but she'll burn ya up quick like a laser beam/ Crazy to the extreme, it'll make ya scream/ Won't be happy till she's published in a magazine/ On the cover no doubt, her kiss is a sound/ Telling you she has no plans on being devout/ Don't gotta be Sherlock Holmes just to figure it out/ I've seen this cookie crumble one too many times before/ So if anybody's bothering Beefy I'm out the door/ With the quickness, this is a sickness that sadly doesn't have an antidote but/ If you listen to what I'm speaking hopefully you won't end up the dope/ Good luck Got your hands up? Well put em back down/ I'm about to fill your head with some bitter sweet sound/ Punch me out in three rounds, watching me hit the ground and/ When ya hear the bell it's over soldier/ Now I've got nobody in my corner stoner/ People thinking that Beefy is such a loner so/ Maybe you should deliver the knockout/ And maybe eat my heart so you know there's no doubt/ We're both angry that we traveled this route/ Saw ya start to pout when I finally broke out/ Back in the fall, push me up against the wall/ It would lead to making out, not this all out brawl/ I wanna die, used to laugh now we cry/ Blaming me for everytime you told me goodbye/ To busy with your life and no time for mine/ We're in love, but we never seem to intertwine I can see it's a mistake for me to let you in/ and put myself inside a bad situation again/ But this wouldn't be the first time, would it?/ I know about the voodoo that you do but still I never understood it/ Where is my mind?! I relate to Black Francis/ I look into your eyes and now I'm taking bad chances/ Your advances, leaving me pantless/ I give you the chance, you'll bite my head off like a Mantis/ So outside of causing drama and HEAD trauma/ I've gotta wonder if your re-emergence has a purpose/ Cause it's worthless, if you wanna re-gain trust/ And it's a MUST... that you catch a Greyhound Bus/ To where you're headed, you can forget it, that time passed/ long ago. You tempt me but you're empty and it's time for you to go/ You're Betty Rubble 'cause we used to make the bed rock/ out of wedlock, but now you gotta get lost I THINK THAT/ You're more trouble than you're worth/ IT'S TIME WE FACE THE FACT/ That this isn't gonna work/ I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR LAUGHS/ But somebody always seems to get hurt/ So Hurt
Heart Tits 02:39
You love me when I have money [You love me when I have money]/ Money. Money. [Money. Money.]/ Oooh! Your heart's in your tits. [Oooh! Your heart's in your tits.] You only love me when I have GP and bullion/ I'm workin' overtime and saving money till we're cool again/ It's hard living life with this heart on my sleeve/ When you've got chambers and ventricles in your double Ds/ So hard to please, and you're always a tease/ Until I present you with diamonds/ Clippin' coupons for me is a must/ Said you'd break up with me if we ever took the bus/ And, well, it's hard to say you're the best/ When you have all these issues that stem from your chest/ And I'm telling you I'm stressed and I'm needing me a rest/ But my words bounce off you like a bulletproof vest/ So, um, I think maybe we should break up/ You slapped me twice and demanded that I wake up/ Told me that was stupid then you called me a retard/ Then you went shopping and I couldn't find my credit card. And you don't seem to have much respect for my space/ Every time you need money it's like your right inside my face/ Asking "Baby, Beefy, how much do you love me?/ Enough to buy me brand new shoes and some bubbly?"/ Do I have a choice? Am I kind of whipped?/ I can't describe the kind of powers that you hold inside your tits/ Lub Dub in your bra should have been my sign/ But now you've hypnotized me sweetie and I'm losing my mind but/ Now I've got no ends/ I see you over there talkin, flirtin with my friends/ And they all got cash, and they all got play/ Gotta say this has been the world's worst birthday/ Kind of pathetic and rather sad/ We've dated for so long, you've never picked up the tab/ Those gifts that you got last week, you call em trash/ If I could, pretty lady, I'd prolly kick my own ass Yo I swear to God I think she might be Satan/ No way you'd believe all the things that I've been paying/ Super massive debt but yet still no nook/ Only sex in our bed is taking place in her favorite book/ I know what what I have, she knows what I want/ Stupid smile on my face every time she logs on/ Winning every single little game she's playing with my mind/ Evolved into a sucker, no intelligent design
My Gay Shirt 03:58
When I wear my gayest shirt/ my gayest shirt!/ my gayest shirt!/ my gayest shirt./ All the ladies want to flirt/ they want to flirt/ and if they're squirters, then they squirt./ Cause everyone loves me./ In my gayest shirt./ Everyone loves my/ shirt. I got it on a fabled Christmas several years ago/ I guess they never loved me, it was uncle Bill and tia Flo/ Begrudging smile I was showing as I kindly took their pittance/ Sure, it might have fit, but I could have done without the sequins/ So yeah/ I put it on because I don't aim to offend/ But this apparel is improper in the company of men/ They call the color salmon, it has ruffles and a trail/ Red embroidered kangaroos with red poofs on every tail/ But suddenly I put it on, I'm walking down the street/ Ladies seem to come right up and finally take a note of me/ So I guess I gotta show some love for this atrocious thing/ Because when I dawn my gayest shirt I feel like I'm the king king king! I tried to hide it underneath some socks and underpants/ But the shirt's the key to my romance, it puts the ladies in a trance/ They can't help but feel on the fabric, can't help but feel on the Beef/ They're digging all the glitter, ruffles, green and pink motif, believe/ That if I could get a girly without this eyesore/ I'd stick it in my desk drawer and burn that mother to the floor/ Shoot the ashes with a shotgun, maybe sacrifice a loved one/ Rocket it into the sun just to make sure the job is done uh/ So what is it about this silly means of dress?/ That is making Beefy studly and the ladies all obsessed?/ But who am I to question such a great miraculous plan/ From whatever deity that chose to make Beefy the god damn man! It got a flame stripe, running down the side and the back/ and The Lord of the Rings/ tattooed on the ass crack makes me feel like a nerd in it./ That's my werd in it./ So off-brand that you ain't even/ heard of it./ But so what?/ This shirt is making me glad, like its adjective moniker--/ antonym: sad./ Cause when the girls/ see the shirt/ and the shirt's/ on the beef,/ they cannot/ get enough/ of the man/ underneath.
Go to school. Build your future, my son./ That's what they told me once, when I was/ thirteen, nineteen, twenty. Now I/ don't get, don't get any./ Temp work blue is what it got for me./ Call in our ronin secretary./ Oh what jolly capers with my/ forty-thousand-dollar piece of paper. [fourty thousand dollar piece of paper.] I don't know but I've been told [I don't know but I've been told]/ there's self-sufficiency, when I get old. [there's self-sufficiency, when I get old.]/ That I could make the changes I hold dear, [That I could make the changes I hold dear,]/ If I could find a way [If I could find a way]/ away from here. [away from here.] I've read that we suffer entitlement./ Baby boomers controlling and/ taking our rent./ Where is the beautiful life that I was/ promised?/ They say we'll be fine if we suck it up./ Shit's been sucking so much that we're/ all fed up./ They tell us we're trying to find ourselves/ but when we show them our resume they find someone else [show them our resume they find someone else.], because Community college dropout/ Name's Beef Thompson, I'm no boy scout/ You just go for moms and dads/ All the college life I've needed I got it all from Undergrads/ Taking classes you don't need/ In your tiny little dorm rooms smoking weed/ And pretending that you're deep when you ain't/ Creative writing major? Yo, that's so quaint/ Stressed out cause you're in debt/ For a tiny piece of paper that you won't get/ Unless you're willing to jump through all their hoops/ Yo I've prepared your last meal and here's your noose/ Not here only to scare ya/ I'm trying to prepare ya/ Because the four-year degree is the biggest lie in America. If I could suture a future to the past,/ if I could break the system from its grasp,/ I wouldn't have to rely on rock and roll/ to be the one commanding full/ control. Yo I'm way bright and you know I was raised right/ But no books is open when I'm pulling an all night/ I'd rather get my masters is causing people laughter/ Cause it's so much more rewarding then just working on my grammar/ Never been cool and I'm far from a fool/ But you'll never hear me whine "I wish I went to a private school"/ Want a good job, well that's just fine/ I'mma work this stage and work this rhyme/ And remind myself that I'm an individual/ School is just a ritual in makin people miserable/ Got your BS in CS? Great!/ What's it like being another sheep scratching at the gate?/ Just remind yourself you'll have fun when your done/ When you're just another drone - one zero zero one/ Wish ya good luck, frankly your gonna need it/ You may think I'm getting cheated but I'll never be defeated/ No!
A long time ago, in the land of the dinosaur/ something would never take place./ With the fate of the world resting square on your shoulders/ the crew will salute as you radio bass, but they'll wipe/ that smile off your face/ with face-reconstruction CG./ Now your life has an alternate ending./ You could be spending your life with me. Up on a pirate ship; out on a camping trip;/ some haunted house off in space./ On the trail of maniac stalking the crew I will/ pull something out of my carrying case but the/ draft with my flash light switched for an Arpa Lite/ isn't the one that was used./ Now my life has an alternate ending./ I will be spending my life confused. Well lately yo I've been thinking of all the editing and all the cutting/ That I've been doing on this project/ It's lacking logic. I gotta solve it/ See me, I believe in fantasies, and these tragedies, and these comedies/ But I'm hoping that, when I'm looking back, it'll be your face on that silver screen/ But that isn't how we shipped it out/ And that ending I could live without/ Change it, make it canonical/ Special edition just made available/ Cause if Dante's still alive, then I can surely try/ To change the ending of this movie called my life/ And have you right there standing next me/ Makes me glad to see, fans all up in the balcony/ Cheering for our story, worshipping the glory/ Sadly it's a fantasy I distorted/ And if ya feel, that it wasn't real/ I'll just make some cuts and act like it's no deal/ But in interviews I'll them, one against a million,/ I was sadly forced to play the role of villian./ Keeping ego small but damnit, all of ya'll./ Far as I recall, the one who took the fall. I would rise/ to the very most costly occasion/ despite the occasional cost./ With a frequency critics/ revere as amazing,/ you'd find me stargazing,/ remembering all that was lost on the cutting room floor/ won't appear anymore, even on DVD./ Now your life has an alternate ending./ You could be spending your life with me. Ghost brontosauruses sung out in chorus saying,/ "Son, what am I 'sposed to do?"/ If my life had an alternate ending,/ I could be spending my life/ ending my life./ If my life had an alternate ending,/ I would be spending my life/ with you.
Sentinels 01:34
All over baby and we're here to say what's up/ This is Beefy on the mic, my buddy Snyder on the cuts/ Slice ya up like Operation, and I ignore the buzz/ And leave ya steady bleeding while I blow the spot like Hot Fuzz, I/ Don't suppose you know where I can find a napkin/ Wipe the drool off all the peeps that really get to see me rapping/ While your sleeping I get started like Taboo and Fergie/ Yo I'll say it till I'm thirty, I keep it both dirty and nerdy/ It's a no worry birdie, I'm not fat yo I'm just sturdy/ For the chubby chasing ladies coming to me, acting flirty/ Do you like it? I know ya do, it's not even a question/ Find the right position to quickly complete every mission and/ I'm a bizzarro genius baby and you'll find out/ That the secrets from the future are pitch dark and totally whacked out/ Like it's s-strung out on goofballs and other meds/ I'm the topic of discussion of your buddy's posts and threads/ The group that I collab with hates up on some comma splices/ Semicolon in the wrong place you will lose your grammar license/ Silly people think I take it too far/ I write like Dave Attel yo I can't wait to find my next bar/ The Grammar Club is full of sexy individuals/ We're giving love and stealing hearts like we were all just criminals/ No A to Zinc my friend this rhyme is laced with minerals/ We're tracking your location to attack your ass like sentinels


This album is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License. You have permission to play this album on your podcast or radio program. You may freely use this album in your non-profit multimedia project, so long as you credit The Grammar Club.


released December 31, 2007

written and performed by Shael Riley, Beefy, Adam!, and Glenn Case

produced and mastered by Adam "Adam!" Ruttan




The Grammar Club New York, New York

Above art by Hex (zombiehiphophex.deviantart.com)

Album art by Ricky Henry and Joe Dunn

Additional site art by Art League Houston

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